


This Year

by misskatieleigh



Series: On My Own Too Long [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Background Relationships, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, K-2SO/R2-D2, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Porn With Plot, Wedge Antilles/Bodhi Rook - Freeform, Wedge Antilles/Luke Skywalker - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 01:20:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13330446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misskatieleigh/pseuds/misskatieleigh
Summary: Bodhi thought he could be content; friends with Cassian during the day, and occassionally sleeping with him. But after a night that feels way too much like a date, things get complicated.Can his heart survive this?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WritinRedhead](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritinRedhead/gifts).



> An extra special thank you to [SemiSweetShadow](http://semisweetshadow.tumblr.com) for reading along and enabling this fic, plus helping with all the photos/photo editing, to [SassySnowperson](http://sassysnowperson.tumblr.com) for being a fantastic beta and helping me fill in the plot holes, and to [ANamelessTraveler](http://anamelesstraveler.tumblr.com) for sending me inspiration for a certain scene. 
> 
> I couldn't have done it without you.

_September_

Bodhi dropped his jacket around the back of the chair and collapsed into it dramatically. A woman standing in line glared at him, possibly for existing, but probably because Jyn had been holding one of the café’s coveted tables hostage on a Saturday morning, waiting for him to arrive. Bodhi flushed, shoulders inching up toward his ears in embarrassment. He crossed his arms on the table and dropped his face down onto them.

“Ugh, someone give me caffeine before I die.”

Jyn rolled her eyes, pushing the extra latte she had ordered toward Bodhi's hands. “Rough night?”

“Not as rough as I would have liked,” he muttered under his breath, sitting up and taking one long sip to avoid answering the questioning look Jyn shot in his direction. He held the mug against his mouth and inhaled the steam for a moment before placing it back on the table.

“Why can't I just find some guy who'll fuck me into the mattress without all that stupid relationship crap getting in the way?”

Behind him, someone choked. Jyn looked up, half out of her chair before Bodhi could turn around. “Cassian! Christ, don't injure yourself with coffee.”

Bodhi swiveled in his chair. Cassian Andor stood there, coughing into a napkin, the visible parts of his face flushed a dark pink. Bodhi licked his lips instinctively. “Hey, Cass. You alright?”

He nodded, but didn't say anything, walking around behind Jyn’s chair to slide into the other seat. Jyn brought over the drink she'd taken out of his hands, depositing it onto the table in front of him. 

After a moment, he recovered enough to say, “I'm fine. Just went down the wrong hole is all.”

It took every ounce of restraint Bodhi had to keep from saying anything. Jyn, apparently, had no such filter. “Sounds like you and Bodhi have the same problem.”

Bodhi smiled and kicked Jyn under the table, pasting an innocent expression on his face when Cassian looked between them curiously.

It was one of the truly unfair things in Bodhi's life, that Cassian Andor - smart, sexy, talented Cassian Andor, he of a jawline sharp enough to cut glass with - was sitting across from him on a Saturday morning, gorgeously wind-tousled and unerringly charming, completely oblivious to the fact that Bodhi was utterly in love with him. All the relationship crap didn't sound so bad when he thought about doing it with Cassian. He’d even do the whole Instagram thing, sappy pictures of clasped hands and his face with cat ears superimposed on top, if that was what Cassian wanted. 

Which he didn’t. Not with Bodhi, at least. 

“So, Cass. How's work? Ready to write an exposé on the next corrupt Imperial shell company?” Bodhi grinned. He was impressed by Cassian's devotion to what seemed like a never ending crusade against Empire, even as he felt certain that they could never really be brought down. Too many connections to the rich and powerful, despite the trail of blood they left in their wake. 

That conviction was how they had met, actually, back when Bodhi was on Empire’s payroll, before his conscience had woken up. Well, when it was on the cusp, at least, after his mother's death had made the paycheck less desperately necessary. 

He'd gotten his hands on some incriminating documents, handed to him by Jyn's father of all people. He’d had no idea what to do with his newfound information and conscience, until he had run into Cassian, and, well, it was long story. It ended in immigration to the states, Jyn in tow, and acceptance into a commercial flight training program. 

Cassian wouldn't admit his part in that, but Bodhi knew better. That was part of the reason that Bodhi liked Cassian, his determination to do the right thing, even when he got nothing out of it. He could have left Bodhi hanging once he’d gotten what he needed for his story. Somehow, Bodhi didn’t think that had ever crossed Cassian’s mind. When added to Cassian obvious good looks, it was a combination that had grabbed Bodhi’s attention (and his heart). Cassian had never shared his interest, though, maintaining a firm line of friendship between them. It wasn’t what Bodhi wanted, truly, but he’d resigned himself to accepting that this was the way things were. At the same time, it was a little pathetic that his friendship with Cassian was more fulfilling (and had lasted longer) than any romantic relationship he'd ever been in. 

Cassian chewed on his lip a little, drawing Bodhi’s attention back from his wandering thoughts. “Still following leads. Waiting to see what shakes out after the latest management shuffle.” His mouth twitched, a tell that there was more he wasn't saying, but Bodhi had learned not to pry. Cassian kept his sources close, for their own protection. He wouldn't jeopardize that for idle curiosity. 

“How about you? Should be close to getting your license, right?”

Bodhi ducked his head and took a drink of his coffee, swallowing before he spoke again. “Yeah, just need a ton more flight hours, pass my background checks and all. Fitting that all in between my hours at work is a little rough, but I should be on track to finish sometime in the spring.”

Jyn nudged him under the table, draining her cup and standing. “I've got to head out, class in twenty minutes.” Punching Bodhi lightly in the shoulder, Jyn dropped down into a fighting stance. “Sure you don't need a refresher, Bo? Half price for friends!”

Jyn had found her joy in teaching others to kick ass, leading women's self defense classes in neighborhoods that sorely needed them. She'd tried to teach him a little, enough to keep himself safe when he pulled at a club. For her own peace of mind, she said. He knew better. Jyn put up a tough exterior, only letting in those that earned her trust. Once that trust was earned though, she was prepared to face anything, even if it meant kicking a few asses along the way. 

Bodhi grabbed his shoulder, feigning injury. “I hardly think I should pay you so you can beat me up. Plus, all your ladies always pick on me.”

“Maybe if you learned to defend yourself you'd be less of a target, sweetheart.” Jyn grabbed his chin between her fingers and pressed a noisy kiss against his cheek. “I guess I'll have to trust Cassian to watch out for you while I'm gone.”

Bodhi scoffed. “Don't need looking after, thanks!” he called out to her retreating back.

Cassian chuckled into his drink, hiding his smile behind the mug. “I don't know, I think that soccer mom's ready to battle us over this table.”

Bodhi picked up his cup and drained the last of his latte. “I ought to get going then, before she breaks out the cleats. Are you going to Kay's housewarming next week?”

Cassian nodded. “Yeah. Glad he finally found someone willing to put up with his... Well, his Kay-ness. Art is a saint. Well, I think they're an atheist, but you know what I mean.” 

Bodhi stood up, picking up his coat to put it back on. Cassian reached over and grabbed his wrist, stopping him. “Listen, um, if you - if you're really looking for something no strings…” He looked down, embarrassed. “We could do that. _I_ could do that. For you. If you wanted to.”

Bodhi's breath caught in his throat, but Cassian kept talking. “I mean, not that you'd have trouble finding someone, you're an attractive guy. I just meant, well, I'm busy, you're busy, we could...help each other out. Whatever. Nevermind…”

Bodhi swallowed against the dryness in his mouth, finally choking out, “Cass. I - yeah, I might take you up on that. If you're serious.”

“Just, friends...helping each other out. No big deal, right?” Cassian pulled his hand back.

Bodhi nodded, trying to keep his voice steady. “Right. I'll just… text or something.”

“Great. Um, see you around then.”

Bodhi pulled on his coat. “Yeah, see you later.”

This was probably going to blow up in his face. Somehow, Bodhi couldn't bring himself to care.

***

***

_October_

Cassian groaned, looking up from his laptop as his cell phone dinged a message notification. He'd lost track of time working on an article, and he rubbed both hands over his face, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Swiping his thumb over the screen, Cassian brought his cell up to his face, almost dropping it in surprise at the image staring back at him. 

[photo of Bodhi's face, part of his chest]

Cassian quickly put the phone down on his desk. Heart pounding, he hesitated for a second before picking it up and looking again. The comparatively innocent picture didn't warrant such embarrassment, but the way Cassian’s mouth had gone dry at the sight sent a completely different message. There was no question that Bodhi was attractive (and smart, and funny, and generally wonderful, but that wasn't something Cassian allowed himself to think about.) Taking a deep breath, Cassian picked up the phone and typed out a message.

_⟪10:56:54 PM - well that was unexpected. Uh,what's up?⟫_

The minute that it took for Bodhi to reply felt like the longest minute of his life, a ridiculous notion considering the amount of time he'd spent in war zones over the years.

**⟪10:58:18 PM - hey ;) um, that offer still on the table?⟫**

Cassian froze. Closed his eyes. Attempted to breath. 

_Fuck it._ Before he could talk himself out of it, he typed out a reply. 

_⟪11:01:00 PM - I can be there in 15⟫_

_⟪11:02:15 PM - don't start without me⟫_

Cassian had his coat halfway on when the last message came through. 

**⟪11:05:24 PM - oops⟫**

This was probably the worst idea he had ever had, and going through with it was definitely going to kill him. Cassian grabbed his keys and locked the door behind him. Well, he'd die happy, at least.

***

Bodhi answered the door only slightly more dressed than in the photo he'd sent, a loose striped tank exposing lean defined shoulders and a dark tuft of armpit hair when he lifted his arm to run his hand through his hair. Cassian almost didn't dare to look lower, but eyes skimmed down anyway, finding warm brown skin covering muscled thighs hugged by a short pair of boxer briefs. His mouth went dry, then flooded with saliva, and he had to turn away to compose himself, struggling out of his jacket to cover his fumbling.

“You sure about this?” he asked, still facing the door. Bodhi stepped up behind him, warm hands slipping over his stomach and chest. 

“I am if you are. And - if it makes any difference - I didn't wait.” He cleared his throat and pressed his forehead against Cassian's back. “I'm ready to rock and roll, as they say.”

Cassian dropped his chin down to his chest and forced himself to breathe. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, that's the idea. You want to?”

Cassian twisted around in Bodhi's arms, using one hand to pull Bodhi flush up against his body and the other to tip Bodhi's face up, leaning down to kiss him with intent. Bodhi went pliant, mouth opening under Cassian's. It was exhilarating, and immediately clear why everyone that Bodhi brought home wanted to keep him. 

Cassian was suddenly glad that he had already come to terms with the feeling. He’d wanted Bodhi almost since the moment they met, once he saw past the frazzled nerves that came hand in hand with becoming an informant, to the earnest, kind man beneath. There was too much at stake to do anything about it then, not to mention the power imbalance involved with extracting someone from another country. 

Besides, Bodhi had never seemed interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone, let alone with him. He knew what he was walking into. 

Cassian pulled back, making a pleased noise at the blissed out look on Bodhi's face. He started walking Bodhi backward away from the door. “I want. Very much. Now, where's your bedroom?”

Bodhi grabbed the front of Cassian's shirt and tugged him down the hall. “Down here. You have way too many clothes on.” 

Cassian followed, hands moving to undo his belt. “Yeah, they frown on nudity on the subway. Rather be here than stuck in a jail cell for the night.”

Bodhi stopped, turning to pull Cassian down into another kiss, rucking Cassian's shirt up to slip his hands underneath. “Okay, I'll give you that one. But now you're here and I want you naked.”

In the bedroom, his confidence seemed to flag, standing back to watch Cassian strip out of his shirt and jeans from under lowered eyelashes, and chewing nervously on his thumbnail. Cassian left his boxers on, dropping everything else into a messy pile before stepping back into Bodhi's space. 

“Hey, still with me? No hard feelings if you change your mind, I promise.”

Bodhi ran his hand over Cassian's chest hair, following the trail down and tucking one finger into the front of Cassian's boxers. “Still here. Same goes for you, too.”

With a hint of a smile, Cassian reached for the hem of Bodhi's tank. “Noted. Now, I think we're a little uneven again.”

Bodhi raised his arms, letting Cassian lift his shirt up and off, then brushing his hair back off his forehead. 

Bodhi gave an almost predatory smile, nudging Cassian backward toward his bed and pushing him down onto it when the back of his knees hit the edge of the mattress. He leaned over Cassian, kissing his mouth, then working his way down Cassian’s chest, hands tugging at the waistband of his boxers. Lifting his hips, Cassian helped shove the fabric down his legs, kicking them off to one side when they pooled around his ankles. Bodhi kept moving lower, his mouth leaving a trail of heat across Cassian’s stomach that cooled far too quickly.

Cassian groaned when Bodhi’s mouth closed around him, that same heat surrounding him echoed by the warmth that settled at the base of his spine, too much and not enough all at once. He clenched his hands in the sheets, looking away to keep from memorizing the sight of Bodhi between his legs. If he let himself look, he’d never be able to forget that. 

Bodhi bobbed up and down a few times and then, seemingly satisfied with how hard Cassian was, climbed up onto the bed. He leaned over, rummaging through the side table and coming back with a strip of condoms and a half empty bottle of lube. Cassian met his eyes, caught up in the desire he found there, and forced himself to look away again. 

Ripping one of the condoms from the strip, Cassian opened the package with his teeth and worked the latex down onto his cock. He flipped open the cap of the lube, spreading a generous amount onto his fingers and then reaching for Bodhi’s hip with his clean hand. 

“Here, let me,” he said, hand slipping between Bodhi’s legs and finding him already slick and pliant.

“T-told you I was ready,” Bodhi said, breath hitching at the intrusion. “You mind if I start out on top? 

Cassian nodded, steadying Bodhi as he slung a leg over Cassian’s hips, getting himself into position. He focused anywhere he could that wasn’t Bodhi’s eyes; the sharp cut of his collarbone, the dark thatch of hair across his chest that trailed lower and thickened again around his cock. Bodhi was lean, muscled in places and soft in others, all of it begging for Cassian to touch him. 

Bodhi gripped Cassian's cock, lifting up and pressing the head against his entrance. The tight heat was enough to steal any focus Cassian was clinging to. He bit his lip, the bright spot of pain the only thing saving him from losing it then and there. Bodhi worked himself down, bracing his hands on Cassian's chest. Breathing slowly and carefully through his nose, Cassian only just resisted the desire to thrust upward until Bodhi was fully seated, hips stuttering forward slightly as if he had no control over the action. 

Bodhi tipped his head back, exposing the long line of his neck, every shape of him seeming to drag Cassian's gaze down toward the rigid length of his cock, bobbing slightly and wet at the tip. Cassian wrapped his hand around it, swiping his thumb through the moisture pearling up and dripping down onto his own stomach. Bodhi moaned, said, “Cassian” and lifted himself up, thigh muscles flexing. Cassian tightened his fingers, not stroking but holding Bodhi firmly in his hand, thrusting up to meet Bodhi when he dropped back down. 

“Oh, fuck.”

“Yeah, I'm working on it,” Cassian said breathlessly. Bodhi's mouth twitched up at the corners. Pushing himself up, Cassian let go of Bodhi’s cock and brought his hand up to wrap around the back of Bodhi's neck, pulling him into a heated kiss. Bodhi moaned again, mouth falling open, and Cassian slipped his tongue inside. Bodhi rose up and dropped down again, cock dragging against Cassian's stomach. Breaking away, Cassian dropped his head down to pant against Bodhi's shoulder. 

“Jesus. Can you - fuck, Bodhi - I want, I want you on your back.”

Bodhi whined, nodding his head. “Yeah, okay. Hang - hang on.” He lifted himself up, letting Cassian's cock slip out of him. 

Cassian shifted to one side, and somehow they managed to switch positions without anyone getting elbowed or knocked onto the floor. Cassian knelt between Bodhi's legs, gripping his cock both to steady his rapidly growing arousal and to guide himself back inside. He pulled back and thrust forward again, bracing himself over Bodhi. Closing his eyes, Bodhi arched against him. “C-come on, I won't break. Harder.”

Cassian let his head drop down, lip caught between his teeth. He pulled back and slammed forward, driving the breath out of Bodhi. Whimpering, Bodhi ground out, “More. Please…”

From there, everything seemed to lose focus, blurring out on the edges until all he could feel was their bodies moving together, Bodhi’s breath in his ear, hands urging him on. It was like chasing something and suddenly realizing you’re being chased, and he only distantly heard Bodhi cry out, a rush of wet heat between them. Soft hands touched his face and he lifted his eyes to meet Bodhi’s, everything rushing together at once. Cassian cursed and drove forward, shaking as he fell apart in a haze of pleasure.

After a moment, Cassian came back to his senses, rolling off of Bodhi and laying on his back to stare at the ceiling. 

“God, that was amazing.” The words were out before he could stop them, hanging there in the silence between them. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Bodhi lying next to him, eyes closed and chest heaving. It took almost a full minute before he finally spoke, long enough for Cassian to feel awkward enough to climb out of bed, stripping off the condom and tossing it in a waste bin.

Finally, Bodhi moved, draping an arm across his face and laughing softly. “Okay, yeah, definitely should do that again sometime.” 

Cassian smiled wryly, already pulling his jeans back on. “Glad you enjoyed yourself. Sorry if I was a little rough.”

Bodhi stretched languidly, groaning. “It's good. I might limp a little in the morning, but it was worth it.”

Cassian pulled his shirt over his head to hide the flush that chased across his cheeks. He was almost glad he was leaving, if only to keep from saying something he'd regret.

Almost.

***

***

_Late October_

Bodhi backed into the kitchen, a grocery bag held securely in each arm. “No Kay, you’re not allowed to be the banker anymore. You always try to cheat.”

“Paying attention to each players properties is not cheating, Bodhi.”

Bodhi snorted. “No, I’m talking about the part where you hide the properties you want under the box so we don’t think they’re available anymore.”

The door swung shut behind him, Kay’s indignant response muffled by the wood. Bodhi turned toward the counter, stopping short when he saw Cassian standing there, beer in one hand and bottle opener in the other. He quickly set them down, stepping forward. “Bodhi! Oh, Let - let me help you with those.”

Paper crinkling in his grip, Cassian took one of the bags out of Bodhi’s arms and turned to put it on the counter. Bodhi came further into the room, following Cassian’s steps and setting the other bag down beside it. 

“How have - “ “Did you -”

Both men spoke at once, stopping abruptly. Bodhi licked his lips, nerves making his mouth dry. Looking away, Cassian picked up his abandoned beer and opened it. Bodhi squeezed his eyes shut for a second, taking a deep breath before opening them again. _Stop making a big deal out of things. This is fine, you’re supposed to be friends._

He was only partially successful at convincing himself that was true. 

Cassian cleared his throat and began unpacking one of the bags, pulling the assortment of chips out and placing them on the counter. Bodhi moved to do the same, glancing to the side and offering a strained smile to Cassian when their eyes met. 

“How have you been?” Cassian asked, mouth twisting.

“Yeah, I’ve - I’ve been good. Staying busy, you know? Um, what about you?”

 _“If you two are done making out now, we’re ready to start the game!”_ Tactful as ever, Jyn’s voice broke through their hesitant conversation, Cassian’s cheeks flushing red at the comment. 

“I should go in there,” he said “Before she starts getting inventive.”

Bodhi nodded, wincing slightly. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be right out, gonna grab the chips.”

He turned away, not watching Cassian leave, laughter filtering into the kitchen as the door swung through. Picking a random bag, he dumped some chips into a bowl, grabbed a beer out of the fridge and steeled his shoulders for Kay’s commentary that was sure to come. 

***

He was not disappointed. Jyn was, seemingly appalled that Kay didn’t agree with her insistence that the arrangement was a terrible idea. “It’s really quite practical,” Kay intoned “They are two men, just past the peak of their sexual prowess. It makes sense that they would find a way to satisfy those urges without the complications of a romantic relationship. And since they have no desire to procreate, a focus on the career is admirable.”

Jyn scoffed, and Bodhi could see that she wanted to say more. He shot a pleading look at her. _Please don’t._ Her eyes softened, and she frowned a little, but she stayed quiet, about his relationship at least.

“Alright, so who _is_ the banker, if not Kay?”

Bodhi laughed, settling down on the floor next to the coffee table. “How about Art? They’re not playing anyway.”

“Ich telefoniere gerade mit meinem Cousin.”

Confused, Bodhi looked at Jyn. “What now?” 

Cassian chuckled, drawing Bodhi’s attention and miming bringing a phone up to his ear. “Talking to their cousin.”

“Ah.”

“No worries, I’ll be the banker. Remind me again, how to you get the community chest?”

What followed was a five minute long argument citing house rules and historical updates and ended with Jyn tackling Bodhi to the floor and attacking him with a pillow. Kay sat across from everything, rolling his eyes and occasionally leaning his head back against Art’s thigh where they were sprawled on the couch. It was oddly domestic, and possibly the most romantic gesture Bodhi had ever witnessed between the pair. Something in his heart tugged a little in response, and he glanced to the side to look at Cassian. 

Could he really keep up the pretense, that this was just sex and that nothing would change between them? Cassian fell backward, laughing until tears streamed down the side of his face. No matter the answer to that question, Bodhi wouldn’t give this part of their friendship up for anything. 

***

***

_November_

“You realize that this is still a terrible idea, right?”

Bodhi ignored Jyn, taking a long pull from his beer. “It's fine. We both know exactly what this is.”

“And what exactly is _this_ , other than self-destructive behavior that will only lead to you crying in my apartment at 3 AM?”

Bodhi set down the bottle, shooting a quick grin across the bar at a guy trying to catch his eye. “A really good fuck, at the very least. Don't worry, I'll remember not to darken your doorstep the next time I'm having a crisis.”

Bodhi slid out of the booth. 

“That's not what I meant, asshole!” she called after him. He flipped her off behind his back. Everything was going to be fine, she'd see.

The guy, Jeff, was nice enough, in a bland way. He bought Bodhi a drink, then another, chatted about innocuous things and blatantly checked Bodhi out every few minutes. Under normal circumstances, Bodhi might have been interested. Instead, he found himself thinking of what Cassian might say in response to one of his questions, whether Cassian would have laughed at his failed attempt at a joke. 

When Jeff inevitably asked if he wanted to get out of there, Bodhi shrugged and waved him off. “Nah, I think I'm just gonna head home. Maybe some other time, yeah?”

Almost instantly, Bodhi was glad he had said no, Jeff's face going hard and vaguely cruel as he looked at Bodhi. “I see how it is. You're just another fucking cocktease looking to score free drinks.”

Bodhi backed away, reaching for his wallet. “Listen, man, I'll pay for my own drinks, but I don't owe you shit. Even if I was interested, I'm not now.” He threw a twenty down on the bar and flipped Jeff off for good measure. “Hope I don't see you around.”

Jeff reached for his arm, an attempt at an apologetic look on his face, and Bodhi silently thanked Jyn for dragging him to Krav Maga more than once, twisting his wrist out of the hold and slamming his elbow into Jeff’s solar plexus. “Are we done yet?”

Jeff nodded, gasping for breath a little, and Bodhi slipped on his jacket and left. Outside, adrenaline caught up with him, and Bodhi pulled out his cell, snapping a photo and sending it off to Cassian before he could think better of it. 

[photo of Bodhi, just his face visible surrounded by darkness. Wearing a hoodie over a black hat with gold accents]

**⟪11:32:14 PM - just leaving the bar, you around?⟫**

It took a few minutes before he felt the vibration of a return text. Bodhi walked a couple blocks in the cold to clear his head before he tried to navigate the subway. 

_⟪11:40:00 PM - hey, I'm actually in DC this week - work stuff - sorry… :(⟫_

_⟪11:41:10 PM - be safe if you've been drinking (sorry if that's out of line)⟫_

Bodhi clutched his phone, drawing in a deep breath through his nose. _Fuck_. 

**⟪11:43:26 PM - nah man, thanks for looking out⟫**

There was no reason for Cassian's comment to give him a warm feeling in his chest. Regardless, it made him smile, surprisingly happy to be going home alone. 

Christ, he hoped Jyn wasn't right.


	2. Chapter 2

_Late November_

It was easy to lose track of how many times they'd done this. Too many times probably, if he’d lost count. Still, whenever they were both in town and not completely exhausted, it seemed inevitable that they would wind up together. It was usually Bodhi that initiated things, but tonight Cassian had texted, saying he needed to get out of his own head. Bodhi was only too happy to oblige.

Bodhi moaned and pushed back, Cassian's hands at his hips pinning him in place.

“Someone's bossy tonight,” Cassian said, leaning to one side so Bodhi could see him from where his face was pressed into his crossed arms.

“Shut up and fuck me already,” Bodhi bit out.

Cassian pressed his forehead between Bodhi's shoulder blades, breath panting out hot and damp against his skin.

This was what he wanted; Cassian undone by him. Bodhi just had to keep _himself_ from coming apart at the seams.

The stretch of Cassian's fingers inside him was familiar. Two, then three; a steady press and a calculated twist. It had only taken Cassian three tries to figure out how he liked it, taking some strange kind of delight in reducing Bodhi to a quivering mess as quickly as he could. His other hand was warm against the small of Bodhi's back, possessive while it lasted. Bodhi arched his back until he could feel each fingertip, pushed back into the flare of Cassian's clever fingers.

“Come on, I'm ready,” he panted.

Cassian's palm dragged up his spine, cupped around the nape of his neck. He eased his fingers free, trying to distract Bodhi from the way his body clenched against the loss by gripping his hair, tugging.

Bodhi whined, high in the back of his throat. Rocked his hips down against the pillow tucked underneath him, frustrated by the lack of friction. Chuckling darkly, Cassian ran a hand down the back of Bodhi's thigh. “One of these days, I'm going to tie you up so you can't try to get off before I'm done with you.”

The words stole the air from his lungs. Bodhi stilled. He thought Cassian must be able to hear his heart trying to pound its way through his ribs. He lost moments, only coming around when Cassian tipped his chin up with gentle fingers, suddenly lying beside him on the bed. Cassian looked concerned, then pleased in turn, taking in his eyes blown wide with _want_. 

“Alright. We're definitely doing that, but not before we've had a chance to talk about it.” Bodhi nodded, gravitating toward Cassian's mouth. He got a too gentle kiss for his efforts, punctuated by a sharp nip of teeth in his bottom lip. “A not-naked talk, so we're clear.”

The tension flooded out of Bodhi, muscles going loose and warm even as Cassian moved to line up behind him once more. “Fuck, you're going to make some guy real happy one day, Bodhi. They don't know what they're missing.”

 _‘Not you, though,’_ he thought, letting out a long breath at the slow slide of Cassian's cock into his body. _‘You could have it all, but you only want this from me.’_ Bodhi pushed the thought away, letting himself get lost in Cassian’s thrusts.

After, Cassian tipped onto his side, panting. “Fuck. Just - just give me a minute, and I'll get out of here.”

Bodhi reached over the side of the bed, grabbing a discarded t-shirt off the floor and using it to wipe the come off his stomach. He glanced out the window, the streetlights illuminating the snow falling heavily against the glass. Rolling onto his side, he offered the shirt to Cassian. “Snow’s really picked up out there. You don't have to - well, you could stay, you know.” Bodhi reached over, touching Cassian's wrist. “I’d rather know you were safe than have you out there with a bunch of idiots on the road.”

Cassian stilled. “Are you sure? I don't want to overstay my welcome.”

“No, Cass. I'm offering. It's - we're friends. It's not the same. I know you don't want anything more than this from me.”

Cassian opened his mouth, and for half a second Bodhi wildly hoped he was going to contradict him. Then he closed it, reaching down to pull the blankets up over them. “Of course. As long as we're on the same page. Goodnight, then.”

Bodhi turned over, reaching out to switch off the lamp. “Night, Cass.”

In the morning, Bodhi woke up tangled in Cassian's arms, one arm going numb from the strange position he'd slept in. He carefully extracted himself and slipped out of the room to start the coffee maker. Nothing had changed, he firmly reminded himself. 

This didn't mean anything, no matter how much he wanted to pretend. 

***

***

_December_

Cassian lifted his arm, waving at Bodhi from across the club. He could barely hear anything above the bass pounding through the converted warehouse, but he could read the smile on Bodhi’s face well enough. Bodhi worked his way through the crowd, leaning into Cassian’s space to talk, mouth practically pressed against his ear. 

“Hey, glad you made it out!”

Cassian nodded, turning to do the same to Bodhi and trying not to stoop so low as to smell Bodhi’s hair. (He failed. Bodhi smelled great, as usual.)

“Yeah! Can’t find Jyn anywhere though, did she already leave?”

Bodhi pulled back to shake his head.

“No, she texted a little bit ago! Caught some kind of bug I guess, so she stayed home!”

Cassian grimaced. Bodhi bit his lip and leaned in again.

“We don’t have to stay if you don’t want! Sorry if you wanted to dance with Jyn or something?”

Cassian shook his head, reaching for Bodhi’s hand. “No, it’s fine! Are you saying you’re not going to dance with me?”

For a moment, it almost seemed like Bodhi blushed at that, then Cassian thought about how many people were crowded around them and decided that he was probably just hot. Still, Bodhi didn’t let go of his hand, and his smile grew just that much brighter. 

A little bit of hope surged up in Cassian’s chest.

Bodhi led them out further into the middle of the dance floor, brushing through a sea of people that seemed to be doing little more than grinding together to the pulsing beat of the bass. A familiar song came on and Bodhi lit up, pulling Cassian close and sliding against him, moving smoothly with the rhythm. Cassian tried not to freeze, all too aware of the points of contact between them. It was strange, touching him out in public. A little bit thrilling, actually. Bodhi pressed in closer, rubbing against him and smiling widely.

It would be so easy to get used to this.

Bodhi wrapped his arms around Cassian's neck like there was no one he'd rather be dancing with. Some part of Cassian thought that might even be true. He told that part of himself to shut up, it was better to enjoy this while it lasted.

They made it through about three songs before Bodhi dragged him off to get water from the bar. Somehow neither of them wanted anything alcoholic, and honestly Cassian felt too drugged off of touching Bodhi already. He was afraid he’d say something he wouldn’t be able to take back if his inhibitions lowered any more.

Cassian leaned in close. “You're still having fun, right?”

Bodhi lit up, brighter than all the flashing lights overhead. “I am, yeah.”

Cassian stepped forward, crowding him up against the bar. He took the bottled water from Bodhi’s hand and drained the last of it, putting the bottle down on the bar before ducking down to kiss him. The crowd made him feel possessive, hands coming up to frame Bodhi’s face. Bodhi’s mouth somehow felt hotter than ever before, his tongue sliding against Cassian’s own. Someone jostled them, trying to get the bartender’s attention, and Cassian angled his body to block Bodhi from the contact, pulling back to look into Bodhi’s eyes.

“Good, so am I."

Bodhi pushed him backwards a bit, out of the press of people. He slung his arms around Cassian’s neck again, tucking his face under Cassian’s chin. They swayed together like that for a moment, oblivious to the song the DJ was playing. Then Bodhi started kissing his neck, marking a line from his adam’s apple over to his ear. “Let’s get out of here,” he said, mouth brushing against Cassian’s skin, almost too quiet with the music rolling around them. 

Cassian pulled back, taking in Bodhi’s flushed face, his already dark eyes somehow darker in the strange lighting. His heart was pounding, from the music, from the dancing, from Bodhi looking at him like _that_. Like this was real.

“Yeah.” He swallowed. “Yeah, let’s go.”

They worked their way through the crowd to the coat check, standing too close. Somehow, Bodhi ended up standing behind him, arms wrapped around his waist and face pressed between his shoulder blades. The coat check girl didn’t spare them a second glance, barely looking up from her phone to glance at the ticket stubs they dug out of their pockets.

Outside, the chilled air seemed to energize Bodhi, and he pulled Cassian down the block to some hole in the wall pizzeria selling slices for next to nothing. Cassian burned the roof of his mouth on the first bite, hissing while Bodhi carefully folded his slice in half and tried to manage the strings of cheese that stretched between his mouth and the rest of his pizza. He couldn’t help but kiss Bodhi after that, the taste of cheese and sauce on both their tongues not enough to deter his determination. 

Bodhi pulled away, laughing. “Stop distracting me from my pizza, you heathen.”

Cassian took Bodhi’s hand, threading their fingers together before pulling Bodhi’s hand up to his mouth to press a kiss against his palm. “Fine, fine! Let’s head down to the subway, though. It’s freezing out here.”

Bodhi stood there for a moment, giving Cassian a look he couldn’t quite figure out. Finally, he nodded, gesturing down the street with his head. “Yeah, there’s an entrance down this way. Let’s - let’s go.” He smiled, hesitantly, and Cassian ducked down to kiss his wavering mouth. “Come on, you can warm me up, yeah?”

Bodhi’s smile grew a little steadier. “I can do that, yeah.”

The subway was practically empty, the time nearing midnight. Still, Bodhi stood in the middle of the car with him, gripping the strap hanging from the ceiling with one hand and wrapping his other arm around Cassian’s waist. Every turn of the track jostled them against each other, the sudden lurch as the train stopped and started making Bodhi’s arm tighten around him. 

Cassian couldn’t look away from Bodhi’s face, head swimming with thoughts about what all this meant. Possibly nothing, but the idea that Bodhi might want more was too tempting to leave alone.

When they finally got to their stop, Bodhi wound their fingers together again, pulling him off the train and up the stairs to the street. Bodhi’s apartment was only a block away, but it felt like miles in the cold, the desire to kiss Bodhi again building up with each step. 

Bodhi dropped Cassian’s hand once they got to his apartment building, fumbling through his keys for the one to the outer door. He looked triumphant when he finally found it, sliding the key into the lock and opening the door swiftly. Cassian pulled him inside, shoving the door closed to press Bodhi up against it, needing to chase that joy somehow. Bodhi was intoxicating like this, almost more than he could bear to be around, but also like Cassian could never get enough. 

Bodhi pushed him back with a laugh. “Upstairs, Christ, you’re going to get me kicked out of the building at this rate.” Still, before they’d even made it up a flight of stairs, Bodhi was turning around to steal another kiss, standing one step up from him so he was taller for once.

“You can’t blame me for anything if you’re the one doing the instigating, you know.” 

Bodhi grumbled good-naturedly, practically jogging up the next half flight. Cassian thought wistfully of his doorman and the working elevator in his building, picking up the pace to catch up with Bodhi’s stride. 

Bodhi waited for him at the third floor, taking his hand again and leading him out of the stairwell and down the hall toward his apartment. They paused at his door, Bodhi digging through his keys again, while Cassian pressed up against his back, kissing his neck and anywhere he could reach while Bodhi squirmed and laughed. 

“Stop distracting me, I can’t find my key!”

Down the hall, a door opened, a messy head of hair peeking out followed by a pair of eyes, dark circles underneath standing out against pale skin. The woman didn’t say anything, just glared in annoyance, and slammed the door shut. Bodhi’s shoulders shook with laughter, finally getting his key in the lock and pushing the door open. They slipped inside and collapsed against each other, unable to keep the giggles from bubbling out. 

“Though -thought she was gonna m-murder us.”

“Sh-she might still. You - you should prob-probably watch out.”

Slowly, Bodhi got his laughter under control, leaning up against Cassian. “She’s probably just exhausted, I think she’s a nurse or something. I’ll bring her a fruit basket at a more reasonable hour.”

Cassian wrapped his arms around Bodhi, nuzzling against the warmth of his throat. “You’re too good for this world, I swear.”

Bodhi tipped his head back, giving Cassian more access. “Mmm, you should give it to me real good then.”

“You’re terrible. I can’t believe you just said that.”

“You love it, shut up.”

 _I love you_ , his heart pounded. _Tell him, tell him._ He pulled back, mouth opening. Bodhi tugged him down the hall and into his room. Somewhere along the way, Cassian lost his nerve, _what if I’m wrong_ whispering doubts at the back of his mind.

Bodhi's hands seemed to be everywhere, tugging open the button on his jeans, pushing his shirt up over his head. Pulling him in for kiss after kiss, dark eyes looking up into his own. Cassian leaned into every touch, desperate for more. 

He pulled at the hem of Bodhi's shirt, stripping it off him then bringing his hands to Bodhi's waist to struggle with his belt. Bodhi breathed out a laugh, trying to wriggle his fingers in to help, but Cassian was already sliding to his knees. He pressed a damp kiss to the soft swell of Bodhi's stomach, then turned his cheek against it, feeling Bodhi's hitched breathing as he set to work on the buckle.

Bodhi brushed tentative hands over his shoulders, then up into his hair, cradling Cassian against himself.

“Cass,” he said, breathlessly. 

Cassian worked Bodhi's belt open, then his jeans, leaning down to mouth at the strain of Bodhi's cock against his briefs. Bodhi keened, fingers tightening in his hair.

“Fuck, I won't last if you do that. Want - want you in me, please Cass.”

A burst of warmth threaded through him, the stutter in Bodhi's voice tacked on top of the constant touching almost sending him over the edge. Cassian reached down, gripping his cock roughly through his jeans and attempting to get himself under control. 

“If you’re implying that I can’t get you off more than once, I’m going to have to take that as a challenge.” Cassian pushed Bodhi toward the bed and down onto it, using the distraction of talking to pull the front of Bodhi’s briefs down, just enough for the head of his cock to peek out. He leaned forward and dragged his tongue over it, sucking lightly. Bodhi jerked beneath him, so Cassian did it again, cupping the length of him through the fabric. 

Then, with no warning other than a sharply bitten out “Fuck”, Bodhi came. Caught off guard, Cassian pulled away, winding up with come painted across his face and the hand that had been resting on Bodhi’s stomach. 

Cassian burst out laughing. “Guess I deserved that, huh?” He swiped at his face, grimacing at the cooling semen strung between his fingers. Bodhi surged upward to kiss him, grabbing Cassian by the back of the neck and sighing into his mouth. 

“What are you doing to me, Cass?”

Cassian returned the kiss, then pushed himself back up to strip out of his clothes. He looked over at Bodhi, still lying there with his jeans around his knees, and had to close his eyes against the surge of emotion that flashed through him. He stripped Bodhi’s jeans off, carefully tugging his briefs down over his hips and tossing them onto the floor. Then he climbed up onto the bed next to Bodhi, laying on his side.

Bodhi looked over, eyes half closed and a soft smile curving his lips up. Cassian shifted closer, brushing their noses together before tilting to the right angle to kiss him. Bodhi curled toward him, running his hand down over Cassian's ribs before wrapping his hand around his cock.

“I made a mess of you already, want to return the favor?”

Bodhi drew his hand up, tightening his grip on the stroke down. Cassian's breath hitched and his hips jerked forward. He nodded and leaned down to kiss Bodhi's shoulder. “Seems like a fair exchange to me.”

Bodhi smiled, then let go, urging Cassian to slot up against him, and as he rocked forward into the crease of Bodhi's hip, his eyes slipped closed. 

Bodhi kissed him, gently, brushing his hair back away from his face. “No, look at me. Come on.”

Cassian dragged his eyes open, Bodhi's face filling his vision. This close he could see the soft lines around Bodhi's eyes, the barely visible freckles that dusted his nose. Bodhi's fingers slid around his cock again, and he shifted his leg up higher. Cassian curled his arm around Bodhi's back, feeling the muscles move as his arm pumped up and down. Cassian rocked forward, then back, into Bodhi's grip and down against him, friction singing along his nerves. He looked down from Bodhi's eyes to his mouth, lip red and caught between his teeth in concentration.

His heart ached, _I love you_ caught somewhere in his chest. They'd had sex countless times, but this was something else entirely. Bodhi ducked forward, whispering encouragement against his mouth. “Come on, I've got you.” 

Cassian slid his hand higher, gripping the back of Bodhi's neck, panting against his mouth. Everything went tense, brilliant white against his eyes as they slipped closed, and he came, spurting over Bodhi's fingers and up his chest. 

Bodhi stroked him once more, coaxing the last drops out of him and dragging his thumb across the head of Cassian's cock. Shivering from overstimulation, Cassian slowly pulled away, turning onto his back and bracing one foot on the mattress.

Beside him, Bodhi made a face, nose wrinkling and mouth twisting in disgust as he ran a hand through the come striped across his chest. He looked at it for a second, then tentatively licked his finger. Shuddering, he said, “Yeah, that still tastes gross.”

Cassian couldn't help the laugh that burst out of him, and he rolled his eyes at Bodhi as he climbed out of bed, padding across the room to the bathroom. “Must be an acquired taste, I guess. Should I start drinking pineapple juice?”

Bodhi rolled his eyes, but Cassian could see the smile twitching at the corners of his mouth, the laughter he was trying to keep in.

He grabbed a washcloth off the towel rack, wetting it before coming back to clean Bodhi's chest and fingers off. Bodhi watched him, smiling softly. Cassian smiled back, letting his eyes wander over Bodhi stretched out on the rumpled sheets.

“You know, I think I promised to get you off again…” He trailed off, biting his lip and smirking a little. Bodhi let out a small laugh, reaching out for Cassian and pulling him down on the bed. 

“I'm too tired now. Maybe in the morning.” It took Cassian a beat to realize what Bodhi was implying, searching for some sign that he was only joking. Rescuing Cassian from his doubts, Bodhi rolled onto his side, pulled Cassian's arm around his waist and said, “We're sleeping now. Stop thinking so loud.” 

Cassian pressed his face against the back of Bodhi's neck, trying to match their breathing. Eventually, exhaustion overcame any lingering worry, and he fell asleep.

***

In the morning, the alarm on Cassian's phone woke him up, reminding him of a meeting across town. He thought about leaving, trying not to wake Bodhi up, but it felt wrong somehow. Cassian gripped Bodhi's shoulder, shaking him gently.

“Hey, I've got a meeting. Need to go home and change first.”

Bodhi opened his eyes, squinting at the clock on the nightstand and then turning over to face Cassian. “‘Kay. H’ve g’day. S’you later.” 

He was asleep again before Cassian even finished getting dressed. Feeling utterly ridiculous, Cassian walked over and kissed Bodhi on the cheek before leaving.

“See you.”

***

***

Cassian stared blankly out the window, the scrape of plows working their way down his street filtering up to his third floor apartment. He should be working; he'd been stalled out on a story for a week now and his editor was starting to get antsy. Draven would tell him to shift his focus elsewhere if he couldn't find traction with this story. 

Trouble was, his focus wasn't on corrupt organizations at all, but on a certain dark eyed man puttering around his kitchen half a city away. Somehow, Cassian didn’t think Draven would appreciate a ten page treatise on the merits of Bodhi’s smile on his general well being. He wanted to be with Bodhi, not for the incredible sex they somehow always managed to have. (And honestly, he’d never consistently had this much good sex with someone before.) No, he wanted to be _there_ with Bodhi, listening to him talk, watching his expressive hands move through the air as he told a story. He wanted a repeat of that morning, waking up with Bodhi's hair in his face, a pleasant weight on his chest. 

He wanted to say things, things that would change the nature of their relationship.

Things Bodhi had made clear he didn't want. Except Bodhi hadn’t pushed him away, had he? He hadn’t shied away from Cassian at the club, had held his hand walking down the street, had done a hundred other little things that maybe, possibly meant that there was a chance…

Was there a chance?

His phone rang, breaking him out of his thoughts. 

_“What did you do?”_

Cassian sighed and leaned his face into his hand. “Hello, Jyn. How are you today? It's so nice to hear from you!”

_“I’ve been better. Was better before that call I just got from Bodhi.”_

Cassian stiffened. This was it, Bodhi had figured out how he felt and had called Jyn to gripe about how clingy he was. He forced himself to take a deep breath. “What did he say?”

_“Oh, no. That's not how this is going to go. You don't get to use me as your go between. The two of you need to get in the same room and NOT fuck, for once. Y’know, those things called words that you make a living using? Try it in real life.”_

Cassian cringed. “I - I already know what he'll say. We agreed what this was, changing the terms of that now wasn't part of the deal.”

Cassian heard what sounded like the click of the phone being placed on a table, then, distantly, a scream. A few moments later Jyn came back, breathing heavily. 

_“You're both idiots. Fine, continue being miserable, see if I care!”_

Then she hung up.

Cassian stared at his phone until the screen shut off. Then, he tapped on it with his thumb, bringing up his lock screen. Bodhi's face looked back at him, grinning wildly on the chair in Jyn’s apartment.

His heart sped up involuntarily, everything he wanted frozen in a single moment on his screen. 

He had to do something. Soon. 

After he finished this story. Then, when Bodhi inevitably broke his heart, he'd be able to wallow in self pity for a few days without putting his job at risk. 

***

***

Bodhi was beginning to think Cassian was avoiding him. Ever since that night (since their _date,_ his heart reminded him) Cassian had been distant. It might have just been work, Bodhi couldn’t begrudge him for that, but doubt kept nagging at him, telling him that he’d revealed too much. Scared Cassian off. 

Bodhi pulled out his phone. 

**⟪07:35:56 PM - going to check out a new bar, on w 16th near 9th. Called the Lately. Meet me there around 9 if you’re free. We should talk??⟫**

He waited half an hour, puttering around his apartment while he tried not to stare at his phone. Cassian didn’t respond. Bodhi dropped down onto his couch, staring up at the ceiling. He’d fucked it all up, somehow, that much was clear. He couldn’t bear to sit there wondering, dissecting every moment of that night (remembering waking up in Cassian’s arms, his soft kiss goodbye).

**⟪08:10:14 PM - GROUP TEXT: sent to Jyn, Kay &Art, Wedge??, DesertBoy - Hit me up at The Lately - west 16th and 9th - 9PM - first round on me, wha?⟫**

Bodhi dropped his phone on the couch and went to shower and dress. He grabbed it on his way out the door, shoving it into his coat pocket without looking at the screen. 

***

Bodhi claimed a booth at the bar, admiring how clean and new everything was. He pulled out his phone, intending to check if anyone had replied to his text, but someone called out his name before he had a chance to look.

“Hey, Bodhi!”

Bodhi looked up at the sound of his name, smiling as a familiar face made its way over. The owner of the face was named Wedge, which Bodhi was sure had to be a nickname, but hadn't been able to weedle out of Wedge yet. He was another former Imperial employee, also on track for his commercial license. Bodhi half wondered if he'd been another convert of Cassian's, but it seemed an odd question to ask, so he kept the thought to himself.

Wedge slid into the booth next to Bodhi, turning the full focus of his gaze on Bodhi's face. It was a little overwhelming, if Bodhi was being honest with himself. Wedge was a good looking guy, all sharp lines and dark eyebrows, and a good pilot on top of it all. Bodhi bit his lip and smiled back. 

“Hey, glad you could make it out. Nice to see you outside of class for once.”

Wedge slid a little closer. “Yeah. Thanks for the invite. I was looking for an excuse to get out anyway, and now I have pleasant company as well.”

Bodhi opened his mouth to reply. Wedge leaned forward, putting his hand on Bodhi's arm. Of course that was when Cassian showed up, clearing his throat from where he was standing by the other side of the booth. 

“Hey. Hope I'm not interrupting anything.”

Somehow, Wedge missed how flat Cassian's tone was, the sharp line of his jaw clenched stiffly. Wedge turned to smile at Cassian and held out his hand in greeting. “Nah, you're fine! I'm Wedge, I know Bo from school.”

Bodhi was surprised when Cassian took the proffered hand, giving a perfunctory shake before pulling his hand back. “Cassian.” He glanced around for a waitress. 

Wedge plowed on, undeterred. “Are you a pilot as well? Bodhi’s one of the best in our class.”

Cassian darted his gaze back just long enough to answer, making no move to slide into the seat across from them. “No.” 

Wedge waited for something else, but no further information seemed forthcoming. His eyebrows drew together. “Okay...Don’t you want to sit? Plenty of room.” He moved to get up. “Unless you’d rather sit here, I can switch sides, no worries!”

Cassian pressed his fist against the table, shaking his head. “Go ahead and stay where you are. I’m - I'm gonna go up to the bar to get a drink. Give you two some privacy.”

Bodhi nudged Wedge with his knee. “Wait up! I'll come with you. Wedge, do you mind holding the table?” 

Wedge stood and let Bodhi out, his smile dimming a little. “Sure thing. Order me a beer, if you don't mind?” He reached for his wallet, but Bodhi waved him off. 

“No worries, I've got you covered this round.”

Once they got up to the bar, Bodhi rounded on Cassian. ”Alright, what the fuck crawled up your ass, Andor?”

Cassian’s eyes narrowed, and his hands clenched into fists on the bar. He turned his head toward Bodhi, but kept his shoulder between them. ”Nevermind _me_ , it's pretty clear you’ve got ‘Wedge’ lined up to crawl up yours. Looks like there might be a crowd in your bed soon, or maybe we should just make a schedule. Anyone else I should invite to the calendar?”

Bodhi froze, his chest suddenly tight. “Fuck you, Cassian.” 

He turned to leave, storming past Jyn standing there with her mouth hanging open. He didn’t know how much of that she’d heard, but he wasn’t sticking around to talk about it. Back at the booth, Wedge looked up and grinned. “No beers then?”

Bodhi took a deep breath. “I've got beer back at mine. What do you say we get out of here?”

Wedge's dark eyebrows drew together, his mouth going tense. “I say it's pretty clear you're leaving with me to piss him off and I'm not really interested in being a rebound.”

Bodhi deflated, only the tightness in his chest remaining. Choking him. “Fuck. I'm sorry. That's a shit thing for me to do. I just - I'm going to go. I'm - I'm sorry.”

He turned to leave, surprised when he felt Wedge's hand on his back. “Why don't we just hit another bar; try to salvage the night? I do like you, Bodhi. Maybe we could try something when you've had time to get over this.”

Bodhi gave him a wavering smile. “That sounds...nice, actually. Thanks. And, sorry, again.”

Wedge patted Bodhi's back. “It's fine, you can buy the first round as recompense. Maybe the first two rounds, depending on how bad you feel.”

Bodhi laughed dejectedly, letting Wedge lead him outside. He didn't look to see if Cassian watched them leave. 


	3. Chapter 3

_January_

Cassian Andor had saved his life, once. He thought it might have meant something, but Cassian had just brushed it off whenever he’d brought it up. “It was nothing, Bo. Just what anyone would do for a friend.”

Because that's what they’d been. Friends. It didn't matter that Bodhi wanted more.

Distantly, Bodhi knew that it was his own fault that he was miserable. He'd looked at Cassian and _wanted_ so much that he'd let his cock make choices that his brain (and his heart) should have had at least some say in.

Then, he'd, stupidly, shown Cassian that he wanted more, and Cassian had used it against him. He hadn't even realized that Cassian was capable of being cruel, but he'd shown his cards in that bar, looked down on Bodhi with disgust in his eyes.

At least now he knew. Whatever feelings he had - _love, Bodhi, don't lie to yourself_ \- would fade. In time, he'd get over Cassian. Move on.

It was for the best.

***

***

_February_

He was an idiot. Cassian knew this, deep down in his bones. He had used Bodhi, pretending for months that they were nothing more than friends when every part of him ached for it to be real. It was obvious that Bodhi had figured it out when he'd spent the night. He just hadn't expected Bodhi to throw it in his face, flirting with Wedge (and what the hell kind of name was _Wedge_ anyway) after Cassian had texted that he would meet Bodhi at the bar.

Part of him had hoped that the invitation meant something else…

Clearly he'd been wrong.

Maybe he could have reacted better, sure. He'd lashed out, wanting Bodhi to hurt the way he was hurting. The look on Bodhi's face was etched in his brain now, his kind eyes hardening, soft mouth drawing tight to hide the way it had trembled. He'd probably been trying to let Cassian down easy, remind him that they weren't dating, that they never had been.

He didn't deserve Bodhi. And now he'd destroyed any chance he might have had, because of his own ego.

The only thing to do now was try to put his heart back together and move on. He could convince himself to stop loving Bodhi.

_Somehow_.

***

***

_March_

Bodhi groaned as Jyn poked him in the side. “Come on, shouldn't you be more excited about this? I'm planning the party for you, at least pretend to like it, for my sake!”

“I don't need a party, Jyn. I just got my license. Happens all the time, no big deal.” He slumped back on Jyn's couch, lifting his feet to put them on the coffee table and cringing at the sharp look she shot in his direction.

“I know you weren't just about to put your feet where I eat breakfast, Bo. And it is a big deal, you've been working toward this for almost a year now!”

Bodhi dragged his hands over his face. “Fine. Whatever. Have your party, I'll show up and smile.”

“Listen, just because you're still moping over Cassian doesn't mean you have to take it out on me. I'm just trying to be your friend.” She came over and sat next to Bodhi, curling up against him and leaning her head on his shoulder.

Tipping his head to the side, ear pressed against Jyn's messy hair, Bodhi sighed. “I'm not moping. Didn't I try dating Wedge for a while? _He_ was the one that broke that off!”

Jyn's arm slipped around his waist. “Yeah, well, between him falling head over ass for Luke and the torch you're clearly still holding for Cassian, who could blame him. It was pretty clear the two of you were doomed from the start, no matter how pretty you looked together.”

Bodhi made a face, but Jyn continued. “Face it, love, you need to either, I don't know, _talk to Cassian_ , or get over him once and for all.”

Bodhi turned his face and kissed the top of Jyn's head. “There's nothing to talk about. He made himself abundantly clear. So I guess option two it is. Know any cute gay guys you've been holding out on introducing me to?”

Jyn sighed and hugged Bodhi tighter. “You're almost more trouble than you're worth, you know. Almost.”

“I know. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit. And for not saying ‘I told you so’.”

Jyn looked up at him and grinned. “Oh, I'm saving that for a rainy day. It's coming, when you least expect it.”

Bodhi groaned. His heart still felt vaguely hollow, but he was luckier than some. It was enough to keep him moving forward.

***

***

_Late March_

Bodhi sat at the café, staring out the window to avoid looking at the empty chair across from him. Outside, New York had shifted from winter to spring with a vengeance, rain washing against the glass with each gust of wind.

It suited his mood perfectly, though he would have preferred to still have dry socks.

The door opened, bell jangling, and Bodhi looked up on instinct, hoping against hope to see Cassian standing there, rainwater dripping off the end of his nose. Instead, a short Chinese woman stood where Cassian might have been, scowling at Bodhi for staring.

He jerked his head away, staring down into the foam in his mug, the delicate art dissolving as the coffee cooled. It felt too much like a metaphor for the last few months of his life. Bodhi was tired of being sad. Tired of looking for Cassian in faces passing by, tired of picking up his phone to text and remembering again and again that he'd lost a friend as well as a lover.

Cassian had always been more.

He missed Cassian's determination, his drive for justice. He missed his humor, the ability to bend words to his whim, drawing laughter from Bodhi with ease. He missed being touched, not even the intimacy, though that had been...incredible. No, he missed a deft hand guiding him through the streets, the memory of Cassian's hand in his, swaying close on an empty subway car.

He missed what he'd only had for a moment.

Bodhi pulled out his phone, thumbing open his contacts. Cassian's last message to him was still there, one he'd missed on his way between his apartment and the bar.

_⟪See you there. Hope everything's alright?⟫_

Before he could talk himself out of it, Bodhi tapped the screen, the tinny sound of the phone dialing quiet until he brought it up to his ear.

_Click. “Hello, you've reached Cassian Andor with Alliance News Corp. Please leave a message at the tone.”_

Bodhi cleared his throat. “Cass, it's Bo. Hey, listen, Jyn's throwing some kind of party this weekend. I, uh, finished my licensing finally. Anyway, it's this Saturday, over at Han’s place. Around 8. I'd...I'd like to see you. Alright, let me know. Or Jyn. Whatever. Right. Uh, bye.”

He ended the call. Anything that happened from here out would be up to Cassian.

***

***

_April_

Han’s place was this hole-in-the-wall dive that Jyn had discovered. Well, not so much discovered as was-invited-to, by one of her repeat Krav Maga students. The student, Leia, matched Jyn in height and temperament, and they had become fast friends. Bodhi thought maybe they could be more, but considering his own failures in love, Jyn was probably better off _not_ taking his advice.

Leia pushed a beer across the bar toward Bodhi, offering him a tentative smile. “No sign of him yet?”

Bodhi fought back the frown that threatened to take over his face. There had been no sign, in fact, no indication that Cassian had gotten Bodhi’s message at all. It was what he had expected, honestly, but it still hurt to feel the last tiny flicker of hope fade as the night passed.

Bodhi picked up his beer, shaking his head at Leia. She shrugged, reaching out to pat his hand, manicured fingernails hiding the ferocity that she could wield with her fists. “Then he doesn’t deserve you.”

Bodhi’s mouth twisted into a small smile. “Thanks, Leia.”

Leia just tutted at him, waving him away. “Go back to your party.”

Bodhi turned back to the group of friends Jyn had assembled, catching the concerned way she was watching him. He was tired of feeling their pity, even more tired of the pity he felt for himself. Shoving down his disappointment, Bodhi walked over, determined to make the best of things.

***

Cassian pushed his way off the subway car, past the crowds people heading out for the evening. He was late, his flight back into the city delayed by rain of all things. As if planes didn't fly in the rain.

He only hoped he wasn't too late to fix things. To say what was in his heart at the very least, and move forward from there.

By the time he had reached street level, the rain had tapered off to a drizzle. Cassian tugged the collar of his coat up around his neck and started the three block trek to Han’s. It gave him time to go over (again) exactly what he wanted to say to Bodhi. Sure that he'd lose his nerve once they were face to face, Cassian was relying on memorization to get him through.

Still, once he was standing at the door, he hesitated. Cassian ducked back under the awning of the restaurant next door, pulling his phone from his pocket and bringing up Bodhi's voicemail once more.

_“Hey Cass, it's Bo.”_

“I'm more interesting to talk to in person you know.”

Cassian spun around, suddenly face to face with Bodhi, every word he'd meant to say flying from his mind. A drop of water slid off the awning above him, landing on his forehead and rolling down until it dripped off the end of his nose.

Bodhi's mouth trembled. Then, he laughed, startling Cassian.

“What's funny? Did I miss something?”

Bodhi shook his head, a crooked smile crossing his face. “It's not important.”

Cassian stepped forward. “It's good to see you. You look...just the same.”

Bodhi's mouth twisted. “Same old me. I'm...surprised you came, honestly. Glad, but still surprised.”

Wincing, Cassian tried to figure out what to with his hands. Eventually he shoved them in his pockets, his shoulders tense. “Do you want to go back in to the party? I should say congratulations, I know you worked hard to get your license.”

Bodhi opened his mouth, glancing back toward the bar. Then he looked at Cassian. “Actually, no. I think, well I'd hoped, that we could talk, about what happened?”

Nodding, Cassian bit his lip. “I should apologize. I couldn’t even begin to say how sorry I am. The things I said to you, you didn't deserve that. After that night, when we danced, and I stayed over, well, I misunderstood. I thought things had changed between us. And then Wedge was there…” He sighed, pulling his hands from his pockets and rubbing them over his face. “That doesn't matter. No matter how hurt I was I shouldn't have reacted like that, I just wanted…”

Cassian trailed off, trying to find the right words. A tentative touch brushed against his hand, then Bodhi closed his fingers around Cassian's wrist, pulling his hand from his face. He stepped closer, their knees bumping together.

“I wanted you, Cassian. _Want_ you still. That night...that night with you was everything I wanted, but then you weren't talking to me. I didn't see your message until after, I didn't know you were coming. Wedge was there, but I didn't mean...I wasn't trying to take him home.”

Cassian brought his other hand up to Bodhi's face, cupping his cheek and pulling him close.

“You left together.”

“You’re right. I was hurt, and I wanted to hurt you back, but I couldn’t even do _that_ right. We went to another bar, and then I went home. He was - still is, actually - a friend.”

“He’s doing better than me, then. God, Bodhi, I’ve missed you so much. I took it for granted, all that time we were spending together, and then when you weren’t around anymore, it just felt like - like there was this piece missing.”

Bodhi’s eyes searched his face, a crease forming between his brows. Cassian had the almost unsuppressable urge to smooth it away. When Bodhi spoke it was quiet, like he was afraid to say the words out loud. “I’ve missed you, too. I keep - I keep wanting to say things to you, share things with you, and I’m halfway through sending a text when I remember that we’re not -” He shook his head. “Not us anymore. We never were an ‘us’. _That’s_ what I wanted. That’s what I want.”

“I wish you would have sent them,” Cassian said. “I want that, too. I can’t go back to the way things were though, where we fuck and then I leave. I want to be with you, exclusively, completely. Boyfriends, partners, whatever you want to call it, I want that. With you.”

Bodhi gave a watery smile, leaning in to close the distance between them and pressing a soft, brief kiss against his mouth.

“We’re both idiots. Cassian, I'm in love with you.”

Cassian grinned, heart pounding. “That's good, since I'm in love with you, too.” He captured Bodhi's mouth again, deepening the kiss as he pulled Bodhi closer.

The door to the bar opened, the sound of cheering pouring out onto the street. Jyn's voice was loudest of all, “get it, boys” ringing out, followed by a wolf whistle. Bodhi laughed, breaking out of the kiss, and Cassian's heart swelled with happiness.

Standing in the rain, kissing the man he loved wasn't the way he imagined this evening ending, but Cassian was not about to complain. It seemed like the right time of year for a new beginning.

***

***

_May_

Bodhi woke up to the sound of a camera shutter, opening his eyes to squint against the light filtering in through Cassian's curtains.

“What're y’doing?” he mumbled, rolling too his side to press his face against Cassian's arm.

“Giving you a flower crown, love. What else am I supposed to do when my boyfriend refuses to get out of bed before noon?”

Bodhi groaned, resigning himself to waking up. He slipped his arm across Cassian's stomach and dipped his fingers underneath the edge of the sheet. “Lots of things we can do in bed that don't involve pictures.” He paused, considering. “Lots of things that _do_ involve cameras, but that's a discussion for when I'm more awake. A ‘not-naked-talk’, as you would say.”

Cassian tilted his head down, kissing the top of Bodhi's head. “I'd rather have the real thing than a picture any day.”

A year ago, Bodhi would have never pictured this for himself. Two years ago he would have been afraid to even dream about it, too worried about taking care of his mother and ignoring his conscience to think about the future. Now, secure in his place in the world, held tightly in Cassian’s arms, Bodhi was able to appreciate how far he’d come.

Who knew what next year would bring?


End file.
